ordinarygreen01 (ordinarygreen01) wrote in dating_diaries,
ordinarygreen01
ordinarygreen01
dating_diaries

Love and..............

Originally posted by ordinarygreen01 at Love and..............
It's 1:40am now, and I'm not tired at all. I'm really a night person. I love staying up late at night, until very late and I don't feel tired at all.....

I really want to write on here today. I've got good reasons and..... well the best thing about writing here is that nobody knows who I am and I can write anything I want. This is really cool. so I can express anything I like.......

But I haven't posted anything here for so long.... but today I've really got things to write about.... well..... It's good to be able to say anything I want over here......

I never thought..... I could ever be in love again....... I've been by myself and lonely for...... I can't really count for how long...... feels like forever...... but last time I really felt that I'm in love was about over 15 years ago...... well that's really long enough.....

In these 15 years I have had sexual experiences several times...... but mostly was just one night or short period of time.... and was kind of with strangers..... was nothing about love and affection at all.....

And I had suffered from mental illness for so many years, I've been just so unwell that finding love was just out of the question.....

But I've received all kinds of help with my mental problem and finally understand totally about my problem and found a type of medication that really works for me..... I still have to take the medication everyday but....... it works and my symptoms are reduced to the minimum..... I'm mostly normal and feels just like a normal person except that I have to take the pill everyday...... which is nothing much at all........

I've really been feeling totally better since last year...... and since I feel I'm mostly recovered and back to normal again...... that's why I was thinking about finding love again...... cause I don't want to be alone all my life, I want to find a perfect partner for myself...... so I began to try online dating....... I was so kind of desperate that I joined all the online dating websites that I can...... I got accounts from many different websites so that my chances might be higher........ and I mostly join the free sites or the ones that are free for girls or free when the other person has a paid membership........ so after all the websites I didn't have to spend any money on it........ which is pretty cool........

And I began to join online dating for a few months I think....... I was kind of desperate........ everyday the first thing I do online is to check all the websites that I joined and see if there is anyone new contact me..... that began my routine for the past few months.........

And I've went to meet the person in real life from the dating websites about 5 or 6 times now........ most times the guys like me, and they all tell me they think I'm pretty...... I guess that's the main reason they like me cause I'm pretty...... but the problem was always that------- but I don't like them...... Usually they are just ordinary people..... not that good looking or anything....... I just don't find them attractive at all........ so although they are attracted to me........ but I'm not attracted to them......... so that's why although they really wanted to see me again, but I just don't want to see them again..........

But the most recent meet with a guy from the dating site was different...... I didn't expect much when I was going to meet him....... from his photo in the website he didn't look any good...... was a bit chubby and nothing special........ but when I met him in person when we see each other for the first glance from a distance, I was suddenly struck by his appearance...... When he was walking up to me I can see that his figure was so good..... he was very tall and strong had perfect sexy manly body...... and when he was closer I can see that his face is so handsome....... I immediately felt attracted to him...... I've been in NZ for 6 years and this is the first time that I really get to meet a handsome guy........... most guys in real life are ordinary and not handsome at all....... this is really the first time I meet such a handsome guy...... and is sexy type of handsome......... and when he walk and when he's driving even when he is smoking(I don't really like people who smoke but the way he smokes is just so cool) he just seems so cool.........

I felt immediately attracted to him....... I thought to myself I've never met a handsome man like this......... and when we sat down and talk and he stops and smile at me...... his smile is so cute and radiant....... I can feel my heart pounding every time he smiles at me.........

and he said to me...... "It's so nice to meet you....... very pretty......." and after our short meeting(because he had to go meet his brother) I went to the library for a while....... then I received a txt from him, he said that he thinks I'm very attractive and desirable...... that makes me feel so good..... I still have that txt now in my mobile........ and I txt him back said that I think he's very handsome too......

One thing that is strange is that...... from all the guys that I dated...... they all thinks that I'm pretty...... since not just one, but many guys all thinks I'm pretty...... I guess that must be true then..... but the problem is...... I don't think that way myself........ when I look in the mirror I always think I'm so ugly......... but when I'm getting ready to go meet some guy for the first time, I make sure I dress up as nicely as I can.......... After I dress up I still don't feel that I'm pretty...... but then I'll just go and meet guys anyway....... if because I don't feel pretty myself then I don't go try dating at all..... then I'll be alone forever........ so although I don't really feel that I'm pretty but I still go try to date anyway........

surprising thing is the feedback I get is that they all think I'm very pretty...... that make me feel good cause that must be true then......... although I still don't feel that I'm pretty myself...... but then I don't mind about how I feel myself...... knowing that maybe I do appear pretty to them although I'm not feeling it myself........

But it's still so strange...... when everyone says that you are pretty but myself thinks I'm so ugly....... It's just so weird but that's how it is for me.........

anyway.......... since we both feel each other sexy and attractive..... our relationship developed so quickly...... I can't write about every little thing here or else would be too long....... but anyway....... what's the most significant thing to write about here? I think it was just the second day after we've met each other for the first time, we were saying lots of things through the mobile on the second day...... and we were exchanging txts back and forth in the evening...... then he suddenly said in the txt that he felt a little sad that he didn't see me the whole day and didn't get to kiss me and that....... he's coming to meet me right now(that was about 9pm at night)..... I thought he was just joking but then he txt and said "I'm on my way now...... you can say no if you don't want me....." I felt like I had no choice because I don't want him to feel rejected in anyway........ but(I'm living with mum) what am I going to tell my mum going outside to meet him this late at night....... but luckily my mum is a person that likes to sleep early at night and when he was on his way to my house my mom was already in her room getting ready to sleep.....

when I received his txt that his car is just outside near my house...... I sneaked out of my house...... I opened the front door gently..... make sure not making much sound...... when I'm in the front yard I can see my mom's room the light is still on...... but I know she's going to sleep soon and she's not hearing me........ so I walked tip toe through the front yard..... opened the gate really really carefully not to make any sound....... and then out on the drive way towards the street.........

does it sounds like some kind of novel now I think?...... but this is not a story that I made up it's all real....... but I'm feeling like adventurous now writing this part...... it's not something that happens in usual life......

when I opened his car door and get into his car he immediately gave me a kiss........ this is the first kiss for us........ well then we talked for a while and he said if I wanted to go for a little drive..... first I hesitated........ but after a while I said alright....... deep down I wanted to spend time private with him too....... and we drove around the block and he said...... what about park in the dark shadow I said ok....... so we parked at the side of the road which is very dark without street light.......

and then we kiss and then he began to touch my private and I didn't want to stop him at all because I was so attracted to him...... he tried to lower the seat so I can get on top of him....... but then I said people in the passing car could see right through the front window....... so he said what about the back seat...... so we both went to the back seat and......... we both take off the cloths and had sex and...... my vagina was so wet when he was fucking me..... he said yumm....... I'm sure he felt really good..... since I was so wet......... I've always been really wet when I had sex and all the guys liked it............

and after that we talked for a while and then I got out of the car about went home......... when I came to the gate saw the light in mum's room is already dark so she's already asleep....... so I went out and did that and nobody in the world knows........ that's just so........ I felt like we were like teenagers for doing things like this...... and avoiding parents........ but it was cool...... and I don't regret I did that with him cause I'm really so attracted to him.............

and what happened the next evening? don't believe it but we did the same thing again..... this time we drove up the hill and found a spot to park that didn't had any passing car at all..... so we did that........ making out in the car every night for this whole week...... every evening I would sneak out of my house when my mum went to sleep and go to his car and........ every night he tries something different and......... the first time in so many years that I'm able to enjoy sex and the sex we had is just so good.........

so what more can I write here? some problem really........ it's that....... I really enjoy when his penis is inside of me and when he is fucking me and I feel so wet and he feels really good........ but after a few days I find out that........ when he was fucking me the only feeling I had was very very wet and...... but I don't feel anything beside that....... I think I don't really feel the sexual pleasure when fucking....... I don't feel nothing.......

I been thinking about it these few days and I'm thinking about going to see doctor and tell them my sexual problem....... I don't feel the pleasure when I'm having sex...... I don't want to tell him cause I know he enjoys it very much and I don't want to disappoint him....... But if I can feel pleasure he would feel even more high.......

I use to be a person with overly sexual desire...... but after the depression I just lost all the sex drive I had......... I think it's a lot to do with depression...... but I'm going to talk to a doctor about it anyway.......

The reason we have to do it in his car is because we both live with our parents and we don't have a room our own...... it would be so good if we can do it in a bed and sleep together afterwards......... that would be just so good.......

So till today we've only known each other for one week exactly........ but we've already seen each others parents and I went to have dinner with his family today....... and after that he drove me and my son back and he stayed and talked to me and my mum for a long time and...... we've already known each others family so well........ it's really good.......

today after he stayed for a long time talking to us........ when he was about to leave...... I walk him to the front door and....... he kissed me and then hold me close........ his sexy body felt so warm and...... I felt that he really loves me so much...... and I'll always remember that moment when he kiss me and hold me tight........ I feel so loved and....... it's just so good........

well that's it about basically I don't have too much more to write and that's good....... I've written too long it's taken me 2 hrs I think....... or maybe a bit less I don't know....... but I started at 1:40am and it's 3:16am now....... so about 1 and half hr to write all this..........

but I'm glad that I wrote all this....... that I can express myself here..... the good and the bad...... anyway....... it's all good........
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